Wednesday, June 3, 2009

bridesmaidzilla has her day...

so lets be serious. I'm good at two things- being addicted to hot yoga and being a bridesmaid. The latter I've been good at for a number of years. This month duty calls 3 times. My weekends feel like Groundhog day. Wake up, pray I don't have a zit and pray I don't catch the bouquet. Do the same thing the following weekend. Don't get me wrong, I am honored that friends think enough of me to stand up beside them on the "happiest day of their life." (no wonder weddings are so stressful, whoever coined that phrase is probably sitting up in heaven laughing that they have been the cause of so much strife). Lately though, I've heard this "they ask you because you're such a great friend." If I was a great friend would I wear an Angelcourt Jewelry necklace that has a gun charm beside a charm that says "bridesmaid? I think not. (and the answer is yes to all you recently asked bridesmaids who want me to loan this lil jewel out to you for a day or two). Although I hope I am a decent friend, I think in actuality it boils down to those three little words "Only Child Syndrome". Only children cultivate friendships because we missed the comraderie with a blood brother or sister. Sound confusing? ask me to elaborate later. Don't want to get sidetracked from the point of this entry: to highlight some of my favorite moments in weddings. No, not the sweet ones. The laughable ones. So here we go. Sit back. Relax. And don't ponder what wedding each happened in. I'll never tell...

In no particular order with regard to date of wedding or level of ridiculousness:

*the one where on the way back down the aisle at end of ceremony my groomsman said "do you want me to pick you up and throw you in the baptism pool? That might be funny." No, it would not. It will be stupid and I'd have to kill you. (that's what I wanted to say)

* the one where a bride didn't want to kiss the groom on her wedding day. grossed her out. i bet their marriage is/was mucho romantico (no sarcasm intended, ok, yes it was intended)

* the one where I put my blackberry in my bra right before the ceremony started. hey, i had to check my messages right up until the last minuto. and hey, i bet the audience was fooled into thinking that A cup was a C cup. Jokes on them. You would think beast of burden playing out of my chest during the reception would've been a dead give away that something just wasn't right in my rack.

* the one where the photographer didn't constantly take pictures. I wanted to hit this person. It's the flip floppin digital age sista. Don't stop til you get enough. And you know you will never get enough to make bridezilla happy. So don't stop.

* the one where the grooms family and the brides family were fighting- at every possible moment. This was so pleasant. I wanted to get up and scream "Chicken before the egg people! Chicken before the egg! You are supposed to have the wedding FIRST and THEN the daughter/mother in law hate can officially set in.

*the one where the bridesmaids made fun of the father-in-law. I wanted to hit the bridesmaids. I have never understood the rationality behind poking fun. Good for them I was nice then. The way I am now, some black eyes would be matchin' those [insert fav color] dresses

And for any of the brides that may be reading this, yes of course I was lying when I said that YOU were in fact the prettiest bride I'd ever seen and will ever be. I want to be the prettiest one I've ever seen, duh. Stop. Someone thinks they will blog about faux paus during my big day that might never happen. Stop. You won't. To keep from the possibilty of being the real life version of the Runaway Bride, I will just plan to runaway with my lova run up to my fave mountain. You can't make fun of me if you can't find me.