counting lyrics instead of sheep

I sleep very little. Partly due to the fact that I don't require much sleep. Mostly due to the fact that I'm not a fan of sleep. I don't like to ever feel idle, so it's very difficult for me to embrace it. When I'm trying to go to sleep at night, I often pick a topic to think about or make a to-do list in my head. Many nights, I will brainstorm my favorite song lyrics. I'm a music lover, so the list doesn't stop, I just eventually stop fighting the blinking eyes and cave in to my body wanting a little rest.

a few of my very favorite lyrics:

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As ev'ry fairy tale comes real
-Janis Joplin , "both sides now"

May the good lord shine a light on you
Make every song you sing your favorite tune
May the good lord shine a light on you
Warm like the evening sun
-The Rolling Stones, "shine a light"

I'm standing at the crossroads
Trying to read the signs
To tell me which way I should
Go to find the answer
And all the time I know
Let your love and let it grow.
Let it grow, let it grow,
Let it blossom, let it flow.
In the sun and in the snow
Love is lovely, let it grow.
-Eric Clapton, "let it grow"

You're my blue sky,
you're my sunny day.
Lord, you know it makes me high
when you turn your love my way
-Allman Brothers Band, "blue sky"

And hush-a-bye, don't ever think about it
Go to sleep don't ever say one word
Close your eyes,
you are an angel sent down from above
-Bob Dylan, "these dreams of you"

and i thank the Lord for the people I have found
-Elton John, "mona lisas and mad hatters"

If I leave here tomorrow,
Would you still remember me?
For I must be traveling on, now,
'Cause there's too many places I've got to see.
-Lynyrd Skynyrd , "free bird"

Long you live and high you fly
And smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry
And all you touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be
-Pink Floyd, "breathe"

You used to be the best
To make life be life to me
And I hope that you're still out there
And you're like you used to be
We'll have ourselves a time
And we'll dance til the morning sun
And we'll let the good times come in
And we wont stop til we're done
-Steve Winwood, "high life"

Her mind is Tiffany-twisted, she got the Mercedes bends
She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys she calls friends
How they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat.
Some dance to remember, some dance to forget
-The Eagles, "hotel california"

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
-The Beatles, "blackbird"

If you like any of them at all, listen to the whole song. Let me assure you that I love the notes just as much as I love the lyrics. Enjoy and Happy Friday

be still...

"If I'm losing balance , I stretch higher and God reaches down to steady me. It works every time, and not just in yoga." - Terri Guillemets
I realized last night that I hadn't taken the time to reflect on a great recent experience.
Two weeks ago I went to a workshop at Sanctuary for Yoga in Nashville. The studio is located in the green hills area and let me just say that this place lives up to its name. It really is a sanctuary (see pictures)! The owners are the kindest human beings. I've been going to yoga workshops for two years. I go to learn. I go to practice with people that I don't usually practice with. I go to learn from an instructor that I've never taken a class with before.

So before it began, I ate at Whole Foods with my friend David. He and I attend the same workshops in Nashville and we practice at the same studio in Bowling Green. He is a great mentor to me. He's one of the kindest, most centered human beings on earth. We are quite opposite especially since I tend to be high strung and he's the picture of calmness. We really balance each other out. It's really cool for us to reflect back on all of our workshop experiences over the past 2 years. We have practiced with men and women from Boston, Miami, Australia...the list goes on and on. We learn something new and exciting each time that we take back and try to incorporate in our daily practice. The workshops are pricey, but the experiences are priceless.

I get very intimidated when I go to these workshops for many reasons. First of all, in Bowling Green I am a big fish in a small pond. Not a large number of people practice on a regular basis compared to bigger cities like Nashville. I have been practicing for 3 years, which is a small number compared to people I meet that have practiced for decades.

More than wondering what the poses we'll go into or what the music will be like, I wonder about the personality of the guest instructor. I wonder about their background, upbringing, views on faith. It is fascinating to me to meet someone for the first time because before they start speaking, I try to guess what they will be like and the possibilities are endless.

These two instructors were no less appealing than the others. They held my attention from the minute I walked into the studio. They were a young couple- Krista & Brock Cahill (shown in the pictures). They are from lala land (Los Angeles). Krista had a confidence that was contagious. She wasn't cocky or arrogant though. You just knew the moment she started speaking that she had a strong sense of self. Brock screamed adventure. He was very animated and had an unbelievable amount of energy. He was such an encourager throughout the workshop. It was my favorite workshop I've ever attended.

Yoga is a daily reminder to me to be still and know that he is God. The instructor of my very first yoga workshop I attended kept repeating "be still and know" during final savasana. At first it bothered me that he didn't add the last part "that he is God." But gradually I have discovered that the instructor simply guides us into stillness. It is up to us as individuals to apply our faith into our practice. As a Christian, it is an instinctive impulse to incorporate prayer into the meditation.

I'll leave you with a picture from when I initially started practicing yoga. I often look at this picture when I am feeling overwhelmed or frustrated with life. It is a reminder to me that it is quite easy to be still and find peace, even in a world of chaos. In yoga we say namaste at the end of class. It means "the light within me reaches out to the light within you." So namaste my loyal reader(s). Namaste and Godspeed.


"Vogue and Self are putting out the message of yoginis as buff and perfect. If you start doing yoga for those reasons, fine. Most people get beyond that and see that it's much, much more." -Patricia Walden

the ones that have mattered, so far.

I am borderline obsessed with love. Ok, that's a lie. I crossed the border years ago. I am in love with love. I love talking about it, feeling it, and reading about it. But deepdown, who isn't?

Recently I was talking to a 16 year old and it dawned on me that she was a decade younger than me! A decade! Suddenly I knew why I felt so removed from her high school mentality , it was because I hadn't been there in 10 years! Ten. Wow. As she talked about her infatuation with a boy, I sat back and listened. It was like taking a walk down memory lane, listening to her describe the highs and lows of her summer of love. It hit me how many times I've been in her shoes. Truly caring about someone, without weighing the consequences or cost of putting my heart on the line.

Three names came to mind as I listened. Three names of boys that reminded me that I too had once fallen head over heels when I was young (i know, i know, i'm still young. But i'm talking YOUNG, as in a kid). I say boys because when I knew them, none of them were men yet. It was so intriguing to revisit the years, the decade she was just entering, between the ages of 15 and 25, and look at my younger self. Because in the past year, I have really grown. I still live to the hilt, but I don't serve my heart on a silver platter to someone that hasn't shown that he will attempt not to crush it. I also try not to crush hearts either. Because it's not fun being broken hearted and it's not fun hurting another. So here I go. The ones during the decade of learning for the sake of learning...

First...the one that I wanted to surf with, even though I can't surf--this was my naïve love. the person that could have dyed his hair green, gained 6359 pounds, and could have asked me to move to Tokyo and I would in turn dyed my hair a color that complimented his hair color, eaten all those meals with him if he wanted to stay fat, and fled the country for the land of Tokyo. Looking back I know now why he once said "we don't have much in common", but at the time I just kept thinking "but we both have the same kind of car that are so old they must have come over on noahs ark, together, and isn't that ENOUGH?!" No it wasn't enough. In fact, opposites attract, and then they aggravate. And boy, do they ever aggravate. But now, years later, when I think back and look at that young girl, a girl who was so innocent and thought she could change the world, taming one wild boy at a time, I can't help but smile and shake my head. I want to go back to that girl and say to her "you'll be ok. I know this feels like the end of the world. But I promise you, you'll be ok."

the one who took a lot of pictures, no really A LOT of pictures -- this one ignited a part of me that still remains. He sparked my intense love affair with photography and even though he's not a part of my life, the photography remains. I took one look at a picture this boy took and knew I had to meet him. Conveniently enough, we had a class together. We would sit in the hallway outside the photography lab and talk for hours. I almost considered changing my major to photography for this boy. I almost considered spending an entire summer in a far off place to impress him. But I didn't change my major and I didn't go to that camp. Why? Because that would have been crazy. No really, its because I knew I wasn't the girl who lived in the shadow of someone else's dream. I wasn't one to follow, on the heels, and coming in 2nd to his first love- the camera and the subjects. I'll never forget the moment this one told me he was engaged. I started crying but never let my voice change, only gushed about how happy I was. I knew he'd found the girl who loved the camera like he did. Who didn't ever want to put it down. And I now breathe a sigh of relief because even though I love my camera too, sometimes I want to put it down and live in the moment completely. But every now and then, his name will pop into my mind, and I'll google (yes google) his name. And every time, more results come up than before. Of the events he's documented, places he's been, and awards he's won. And instead of regret or sadness, I feel so proud of him. And hope one day he'll remember me and come back to the little town where he spent a few years, to document something for me.

The one who wrote letters, real letters--it was the words. Seeing the words on the screen and on paper. Nevermind the fact that his words were usually empty promises. I never lost hope that one day all the pieces would fit and it would work. Until about a year ago, I stopped ignoring all the signs from the Lord that this was not in His grand plan for my life. I loved this boy more than any other and this was hard to accept. This one is the kind that I've decided its all but impossible to make into a friend. The magic is just gone. And at the end of the day, all I can say is he's the what could have been guy. What could have been and thankfully didn't. But still, we had dreams and nothing creates silence between two people quite like broken dreams. He didn't follow through, but neither did I. I still see him a lot and what do you know, he's engaged too. I hope one day we'll have an interesting, fascinating, awe-inspiring conversation again, but that is a long-shot hope. Its the definition of awkward when we come face to face. Perhaps because he knows so much about me, which makes me nervous, and I know his secrets, which makes him uneasy. Maybe in a perfect world I could look at him and he could look at me and we'd say in unison "your secrets will always be safe with me." But its not a perfect world. And it is doubtful this scene will play out. It is what it is. I accept that wholeheartedly, heavy hearted, but wholeheartedly nonetheless. My only wish regarding him is that he'll grow up one day to be a fully realized man. I used to want that for my own benefit but now I want it just for him. Expecting nothing in return. I want him to find happiness, preferably in Jesus Christ.

I'm reflecting on this because it seems that now, I don't have the patience, desire, or tolerance for "projects". I want an already assembled man. That may sound funny, but it's the truth. I don't want to go into something expecting change and I don't want them to want to change me. I realized recently that in the past year I have had friends that I was on the brink of seeing as more. Somehow now, I can stop myself and say "are you compatible? Does this person love the Lord? Wouldn't you rather love them as a friend forever than eventually despise them at the end of a failed relationship doomed to fail from the start? Do you really want them to have the bitterness toward you or you toward them?" I think this is wisdom and being able to see inevitable future hurt. Still, I kind of miss that girl hell bent on proving everyone wrong. Not enough to become the girl again, let me assure you, but I'm so glad I was once this person. You see, a lot of people don't take the risk. And a lot of people settle. But me, I've done neither. I'm taken the risk and given people a chance. But I've also tried to exit as gracefully as possible when it's time to go. And I'm truly thankful that I've taken the leap but then known when it was time to call out to the Lord for self control. May seem like I'm looking for closure. Nah. You never get closure fully. You never say goodbye to what you once really loved. You just learn to live side by side with the pain and you keep dancing through life. Its simply enjoyable to discover I'm not there yet, at the peak of maturity and knowledge, but I'm getting there. And that's feels so wonderful. Knowing that I'm closer than I was before. And I hope a certain friend of mine knows I'm writing this to her. That she finds solace and comfort in knowing that she's closer than she was before.

*and note, i left out names, because well, it would have been stupid for me to include them. I'm not sure that my past people see the past like I did. It's all about perspective and I'm sure their perspective/memory of the past is different from mine. And just a word of caution, if you ever create a blog and reflect on your past, leave out the names. Because if one happens to call you up and say "is this about me?" you can laugh and say "no! of course not! that was totally somebody else."...even if it was really about them:)

lesson on love

So I was in a house recently that was not my own. I didn't know the people. I was there with someone because they were looking to possibly buy the house.

When I was looking around the house, something caught my attention. A big framed family picture. It was a beautiful picture of the family, complete with a mom dad son daughter and dog. Not to be cliche, but they really did look like the all-American family. As I looked at the picture, something else caught my eye. It was a framed letter sitting next to the black and white family print. I hadn't even noticed it at first because it was downplayed by its size sitting next to the 8x10photo. A lot of people would have respected their privacy and not read it. But I rationalized that it was out in the open and they knew that people would be touring the house, so obviously they wouldn't mind.

It was a letter that a girl had written to her friend. It was dated 1997(the month and year i don't remember) , written at Notre Dame (maybe they were in college together). The woman had written down her thoughts when she suddenly realized one night that her friends (I'm assuming the people that lived in the house I was touring) were right for one another. She wrote her observations down about this couple, how she thought they completed one another, balanced each other out. It was so endearing because she was so honest about both of their personalities and stressed how thrilled she was that her best friend had found a guy that was meant for her. She didn't even know at that point that these two people would get married, so she said that she'd put the letter away for safe keeping and hope that maybe her senses were right about them. The couple must have received this letter around the time they got married (1999, I saw another picture with the date in the living room. Again, I know I'm nosy). I can imagine it really touched them to read someone's prediction that they would tie the knot. I don't blame them for framing it.

I'm getting to my point, slowly but surely. I'm writing this because one particular passage of the letter stuck out to me. It was just the most beautiful thing, besides some excerpts from the Bible of course, that I've ever read about love. I went so far as to type this much into my Blackberry. I hope you'll look past the fact that I kind of stole this. I usually don't take intellectual property without asking. Let this be the one exception.
"But it is more than temperament or personality that seems to forge this bond, it is one might venture: God, letting us know that love is alive and well in the world and God's circuitous ways and timing, while not our own, are more sure and and more steady than the moon's brilliance or the sun's path. When we stand in front of and near such love, such mystery, we do well to see Her there, acknowledge and most importantly rejoice that She has given both of you this gift of your commitment to one another. For what was framed before time began, needs only to be blessed by us and received in compete joy and hope."
So if this doesn't make you melt a little, I don't know what will. The world, reminding us constantly of the divorce and adultery rate, wants to lead us to believe that there's no hope for lasting commitment. But that's just not true. I know that things get bad sometimes. Marriages end. Relationships are lost. I know that the chance of failing is high. But after reading that letter I was convinced, more than ever before, that it's better to be an eternal optimist than to be the alternative. I don't think I'll stop being a hopeless romantic anytime soon. And I hope one day I'll have the nerve to send that couple that I don't know a letter thanking them for helping me believe in love. I'd like to thank them for the reminder that it's better to throw caution to the wind and take the risk. A character in the movie Meet Joe Black says it better than I ever could: "Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived."

I guess what's I'm saying is this: at the end of the day, all I can do is keep hoping, keep praying, and keep holding on to the belief that if someone is accountable to God, and not the world, they can't really lose. The world says "why even try?" God says "stick with me kid, you might not be able to find a way. But I assure you, I know the way. Follow me. The view up here from heaven is much clearer than your tainted one there on earth." And hope that I end up loving someone who always prefers being under God's wings as well, letting Him and not the world, be our guide.

stop the violence

Please go to womeninwarzones.org and look at my friend Melanie's photography that has captured the injustice going on in Africa. Melanie and I were in journalism school together and I continue to be amazed at HER commitment to using her talent to serve others. Also, if you get a moment watch the trailer for Women in War Zones: Sexual Violence in the Congo. I am passionate about creating awareness for this cause.

Compassion is the basis of morality. -Arnold Schopenhauer

the eternal puppy

So this week I have been very pensive. Ok, so I'm always pensive. But this week especially so about my dog Layla. She's about to turn 8 and I've suddenly realized that while she is still so incredibly youthful, she's not really a puppy if we take into account that in dog years, she's 56. So before I went to sleep last night I began to reminisce. I began to think of all the memories I have of Layla, the eternal puppy. And I couldn't resist sharing with you my thoughts about life and love with Layla.

First, a short list of Layla's "adventures"....
Year 1. brought home in police car. wanted an education so tried to hang out in schoolyard.
Year 2. Layla finds her way underground. Goes missing for 3 days. Find her underneath metal grate . Call city to remove grate and lift Layla out of ground.
Year 3. like her owner, develops expensive taste in footwear. Unlike owner, literally tastes (eats) shoes.Layla gets bored during the day, everyday. Decides to re-format the flower pots. The flower beds become Layla beds, due to flowers being removed to make room for Layla's tush to sit.
Year 4. bunny rabbit found dead in yard. Layla pleads not guilty.
Year 5. Schwanns delivery men and UPS drivers stop wearing hats to keep Layla happy.
Year 6. 3 custom framed Broadplay play posters(i.e.: WICKED) destroyed. Layla again pleads not guilty.
Year 7: Festus, Layla's boyfriend enters the picture. Summer of Layla in Love. Like any smart girl does, lets Festus know who calls the shots in the courtship. Steals Festus' footballs&sticks, eats all of his food, and only allows one kiss (lick) per week. Festus continually forgives Layla and lets her back in his yard.
Year 8. Decides that playtime is 2 am every night.

I am one of those owners who constantly says "my dog is the best dog in the world." But what I think we owners really mean is that "my dog is the best dog in the world- for me." Because for every shocking, inconvenient, ghastly thing she's done, she's made up for it with 1000 wonderful acts that have exhibited her loyalty, sweet spirit, and forgiving heart. These are just a few of the things she does on a regular basis: sits with me by the pond for hours watching sunrises and sunsets, protects my home from intruders, never complains, is the perfect sidekick for afternoon running, greets me with joy in the morning and helps me to wind down at night every single day without fail.

You'll never understand the phrase "dog is mans best friend" until you have one of your own. No one story, one picture, one explanation can explain it. All I know is that somewhere between hearing those screeching sirens of the police car, burying a bunny, and looking at my watch long after I waved the red flag surrendering to Layla's desire for a 2 am stroll, the puppy that was the last one left in a box at a flea market became my best friend.
"I was aware that maybe he held the secret for a good life. Never slow down, never look back, live each day w/ adolescent verve and spunk and curiosity and playfulness." -John Grogan, "Marley & Me: Life and Love with the World's Worst Dog"

hereeee horsey horsey

The quote on the left really describes being a Kentuckian. Just when you think you can't take another cold, wintry day, the sky opens up with sunshine and everything starts blooming most recklessly once again.

When I left work yesterday, I knew what kind of day it was.
It was the horseback riding kind of day. So i called my friend and said "Let's carpe diem! Let's carpe diem!" She agreed. We set out to go ride horses at her fiances family farm.

So there we were.
Boots on.
Saddles ready.
Weather perfect.
Just needed our transportation.

But here's the thing about horses: they are not like a dog where you are like "hey, i wanna go for a walk" and he/she's like "me too, here my leash, let's go!". Or a friend who you call up and say "hey, let's go for a run" and they're like "yeah! got my running shoes on, meet you there!" No, my friends, horses are not this way.

It really is comical looking back but in the midst of trying to manipulate the horse into coming up to you, it's reallyreally frustrating. It's this game of cat and mouse, where the mouse usually wins. The horse saunters up, hesitantly...may lick a bit of sweet feed off your palm...but usually backs up...or in a fit of anger if she just caught on to your intentions, will swing her butt around, reminding you who's ass (literally) is in charge here. And let's just say, I am not one of those horse people who doesn't fear being kicked. No, I fear it. So I usually back down and end up saying "Look, you're right. You're in charge dude." But my friend is the opposite. She's brave and is hellbent on convincing the horse that she is the master. She is right, I know, but it never fails that when she says "i'm going to get the whip out, because this just can't continue" that I will scream back at her "No! Don't! There's GOT to be another way!" Then I get the reminder that they're not like human friends, they are animals who need to be disciplined. So usually I let my friend do the talking with the horses, since they take her more seriously. I just horse around (no pun intended) with the dogs (see picture) while I wait to see if she can get the ropes on them. But yesterday, there was no chance of her being the master.

After 1.5 hours of sweet talk and sweet feed (lots of both), neither horse was game. They had probably remembered being ridden the day before and wanted no more of that work nonsense. In the final 15 minutes we had alloted to be out there, MaggieHorse warmed up to us. We ended up just grooming her though because we were running out of time.

So my friend and I spent 15 minutes not talking , just brushing the horse's coat. And believe me when I say that it was one of those times in life where you thank God for unanswered prayers. Because as much as I wanted to ride down to the creek, I realized I was glad it ended up this way. Deep down I think MaggieHorse was pleasantly surprised that we weren't only using her to ride. This was like a surprise day at the spa for a horse (and LilHorse was standing at the fence wishing she could have an afternoon at the spa like her daughter). I think it helped in the efforts to build her trust. Trust is what you need with horses. It really is a friendship that must be formed and cultivated.

After we put Maggie back in the pasture with her mom Lil, I turned around. And I swear to you I saw a hint of regret in her eyes. I think she wished we would have stayed for just awhile longer to go for a ride.


"There is something about the outside of a horse that is good for the inside of a man." --Winston Churchill

oh sweet tea how i love thee...

Sweet Tea may very possibly be my top vice. I am head over heels can't get enough tried everything in the book to steer clear of it ADDICTED.

Hi!!...do you take checks?

Those 5 words have been the source of laughter, cringing, & astonishment from my friends over the years.

Let me introduce myself. My name is Ashley and I'm a check-writing-aholic. I love to write checks. Not just for bills. But in restaurants, boutiques, to people, organizations, etc etc etc. Yes, I know what a debit card is. No, I don't want one. I love getting out my leather check cover with a lil horse embossed on the lower left corner and saying "do you have a pen i can borrow" and checking today's date and asking "do you need to see my license?" It makes me happy to write checks. I don't know why. It just does. I know I am l iving in the stone age. I know it is old-fashioned.

One of my friends suggested, half joking half serious, that I even blog about my check fetish. You thought it might be worthwhile to pass on the info that's stored file cabinet in my brain labeled "the nice businesses that will take checks." So below is an abbreviated list of places in my town that I have discovered, over many years of pushing and prodding, will gladly take personal checks:

Rileys Bakery

Big Lots

T.J. Maxx

Werner Lowe

The Chanel makeup counter at Green Hills mall in Nashville

**Please contact me for the complete list :)

So today was the best day of my life.

When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward. For there for you have been, and there you will always long to return.
--Leonardo da Vinci

(yesterday i was riding shotgun with a good friend in a 1960s plane, flying over beautiful southern kentucky-- yes my friends yes, this is about as good as it gets)